I am consumed by stuff.

Literally, I feel myself being eaten away by this desire for cooking gadgets, new sheets for Sofia’s bed, dog toys…things, things things. Initially, I thought my post-pregnancy body could benefit from dieting but I’ve realized my crisis is more existential: my life is being spent acquiring stuff, consuming away my time alive.

I’ve always loved things.

Luckily, growing up I had the means to buy what I wanted–however my dad, having grown up a Jewish anarchist in the Great Depression, was well acquainted with thrift. Instead of wasting money at Saks Fifth Ave we’d waste it at the Saks outlet and he donated the remainder to charity.

I grew up being much thriftier than I had to but suddenly I’m realizing I have a long way to go. Lately, I’ve been buying flour containers and books at thrift stores, getting flowers to decorate the house from Freecycle: spending less money yet, I still know, over consuming.

Being a practitioner of Attachment Parenting, I choose to surround our daughters with an abundance of love–that’s the goal, at least. However, I’m starting to fear Sofia’s need for more toys/dresses/stuffed animals is not just gluttony but potentially harmful.

Even as I spend less I still feel this want for stuff…a void that things never fill.

Saturday we spent the day in Muir Woods. I feel so contented walking through the calm of giant redwoods with sleeping Olivia in my baby carrier; learning about how redwoods grow in families, seeing the symmetry between my little ones and the trees felt good. I still have a long way to go in my journey of less consumption but being in nature together feels good.


2 responses to “Consumption

  1. I truly think that the way that most of us were parented – with detachment, or worse – creates this void inside.. the void that love should have filled in those early years. So we look for some thing or some one to fill that void. For me, it was some one – in my late teens, early to mid 20s – I just wanted a boyfriend to love me so that I would feel loved and whole. At some point – after lots of pain – I realized that no person could EVER fill that hole inside of me (no matter how much he held my hand, told me he loved me, had sex with me, etc). I ultimately turned to meditation (kind of like what you’re talking about in Muir Woods!) which led me to realize that I was whole and loved just as I am. Sounds kind of cliche, but it was quite a journey.. So perhaps for you, it’s not people, but stuff? You are so amazing, such a beautiful, loving soul. I hope you know that mama. I am grateful for you!

    • You are so insightful, it’s easier to reach out to things v other people, safer, at least. Feel so incredibly lucky for your friendship…much love to you angelic mama. I have only known you for five months but have learned so much, looking forward to many more fun times ahead. Thank you again, Katherine 🙂

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